John," in the last volume of "Jane Eyre," and,
like him, in holy orders.
"March 12, 1839.
. . . "I had a kindly leaning towards him, because he is an amiable
and well-disposed man. Yet I had not, and could not have, that
intense attachment which would make me willing to die for him; and if
ever I marry, it must be in that light of adoration that I will regard
my husband. Ten to one I shall never have the chance again; but
_n'importe_. Moreover, I was aware that he knew so little of me he
could hardly be conscious to whom he was writing. Why! it would
startle him to see me in my natural home character; he would think I
was a wild, romantic enthusiast indeed. I could not sit all day long
making a grave face before my husband. I would laugh, and satirize,
and say whatever came into my head first. And if he were a clever
man, and loved me, the whole world, weighed in the balance against his
smallest wish, should be light as air."
So that--her first proposal of marriage--was quietly declined and put on
one side. Matrimony did not enter into the scheme of her life, but good,
sound, earnest labour did; the question, however, was as yet undecided in
what direction she should employ her forces. She had been discouraged in
literature; her eyes failed her in the minute kind of drawing which she
practised when she wanted to express an idea; teaching seemed to her at
this time, as it does to most women at all times, the only way of earning
an independent livelihood.
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