My earnest wish and endeavour
will be to please them. If I can but feel that I am giving
satisfaction, and if at the same time I can keep my health, I shall, I
hope, be moderately happy. But no one but myself can tell how hard a
governess's work is to me--for no one but myself is aware how utterly
averse my whole mind and nature are for the employment. Do not think
that I fail to blame myself for this, or that I leave any means
unemployed to conquer this feeling. Some of my greatest difficulties
lie in things that would appear to you comparatively trivial. I find
it so hard to repel the rude familiarity of children. I find it so
difficult to ask either servants or mistress for anything I want,
however much I want it. It is less pain for me to endure the greatest
inconvenience than to go into the kitchen to request its removal. I
am a fool. Heaven knows I cannot help it!
"Now can you tell me whether it is considered improper for governesses
to ask their friends to come and see them. I do not mean, of course,
to stay, but just for a call of an hour or two? If it is not absolute
treason, I do fervently request that you will contrive, in some way or
other, to let me have a sight of your face. Yet I feel, at the same
time, that I am making a very foolish and almost impracticable demand;
yet this is only four miles from B---!"
* * * * *
"March 21st.
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