Most
true. I cannot give you my _excuses_ for this behaviour; this word
_excuse_ implies confession of a fault, and I do not feel that I have
been in fault. The plain fact is, I _was_ not, I am not now, certain
of my destiny. On the contrary, I have been most uncertain, perplexed
with contradictory schemes and proposals. My time, as I have often
told you, is fully occupied; yet I had many letters to write, which it
was absolutely necessary should be written. I knew it would avail
nothing to write to you then to say I was in doubt and
uncertainty--hoping this, fearing that, anxious, eagerly desirous to
do what seemed impossible to be done. When I thought of you in that
busy interval, it was to resolve, that you should know all when my way
was clear, and my grand end attained. If I could, I would always work
in silence and obscurity, and let my efforts be known by their
results. Miss W--- did most kindly propose that I should come to
Dewsbury Moor and attempt to revive the school her sister had
relinquished. She offered me the use of her furniture. At first, I
received the proposal cordially, and prepared to do my utmost to bring
about success; but a fire was kindled in my very heart, which I could
not quench. I so longed to increase my attainments--to become
something better than I am; a glimpse of what I felt, I showed to you
in one of my former letters--only a glimpse; Mary cast oil upon the
flames--encouraged me, and in her own strong, energetic language,
heartened me on.
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