He went home for his holidays reluctantly,
stayed there as short a time as possible, perplexing and distressing them
all by his extraordinary conduct--at one time in the highest spirits, at
another, in the deepest depression--accusing himself of blackest guilt
and treachery, without specifying what they were; and altogether evincing
an irritability of disposition bordering on insanity.
Charlotte and Emily suffered acutely from his mysterious behaviour. He
expressed himself more than satisfied with his situation; he was
remaining in it for a longer time than he had ever done in any kind of
employment before; so that for some time they could not conjecture that
anything there made him so wilful, and restless, and full of both levity
and misery. But a sense of something wrong connected with him, sickened
and oppressed them. They began to lose all hope in his future career. He
was no longer the family pride; an indistinct dread, caused partly by his
own conduct, partly by expressions of agonising suspicion in Anne's
letters home, was creeping over their minds that he might turn out their
deep disgrace. But, I believe, they shrank from any attempt to define
their fears, and spoke of him to each other as little as possible. They
could not help but think, and mourn, and wonder.
"Feb. 20th, 1845.
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