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Bierce, Ambrose, 1842-1914?

"Cobwebs from an Empty Skull"

Full of his discovery,
he sought his master, and struck for better food and more comfortable
housing.
"Why, you miserable example of perverted powers!" said his master; "I
never intended you for the chase, but for the road. You are to be a
draught-dog--to pull baby about in a cart. You will perceive that
speed is an objection. Sir, you must be toned down; you will be at
once assigned to a house with modern conveniences, and will dine at a
French restaurant. If that system do not reduce your own, I'm an
'Ebrew Jew!"
The journals next morning had racy and appetizing accounts of a canine
suicide.


CXXV.

A gosling, who had not yet begun to blanch, was accosted by a chicken
just out of the shell:
"Whither away so fast, fair maid?" inquired the chick.
"Wither away yourself," was the contemptuous reply; "you are already
in the sere and yellow leaf; while I seem to have a green old age
before me."


CXXVI.

A famishing traveller who had run down a salamander, made a fire, and
laid him alive upon the hot coals to cook. Wearied with the pursuit
which had preceded his capture, the animal at once composed himself,
and fell into a refreshing sleep. At the end of a half-hour, the man,
stirred him with a stick, remarking:
"I say!--wake up and begin toasting, will you? How long do you mean to
keep dinner waiting, eh?"
"Oh, I beg you will not wait for me," was the yawning reply.


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